Coming Out

Last semester i wrote in an activity in class about mental health, how i was feeling tense and kinda anxious due i was hiding my sexual orientation to 2 of my 4 friends (i rather quality over quantity), so i was feeling that i wasn't being really me and being dishonest about my person, so eventually last vacations i came out with them and they were chill about it, i knew that they would accept me, because i don't really have a lot of friends because i prefer quality over quantity.
My core family is aother world, i've kinda came out to my mom like 2 times in the past, but since i dated my ex, my mom thinks i'm straight, atp that some days ago my mom saw a widget of a photo i took some years ago in my laptop's wallpaper and she asked me concerned if the photo was the gay flag and i felt awkward and told her i took it because the rainbow caused by the refraction of light was cool and she asked me if i was sure. Eventually, if i want i'll tell her but idk.

About falling in love

Sometimes i think about how much i want to be in a relationship but then i think about how i dont have a lot to offer, and i mean, i surley have love to give to my special person, but i need to be more independent, get a job, have money, be able to travel around my city by me and a lot of stuff that my brain ask me to have before dating someone, and i HATE getting to know new people because i see it pointless, due the chances of them liking me back are low, and not because im ugly or anything, but as a demiromantic and pansexual, i can only get crushes and like people whom i've bonded before, so it's not only to meet my special one (i don't like the "soulmate" cliche), its to meet them, like them and them liking me back, and as far as i've been in love with someone, there's always something that ends up hurting me and losing a a little bit of hope, my first mlm crush was very toxic and the situation led me to think about ending it all, thankfully my family was there and i got better with time.
The next one was with a guy that never showed interest and girls so i thought he was gay, which raised my hope, but at the when i came out with him he said the cliche question "But you don't like anyone of the group, right?" so i forced myself to distance myself before getting hurt.
Then came my first relationship with my ex, she taught me a lot about myself, but the relationship wasn't good for us so we broke up more than a year ago, and since then i haven't dated anyone and it's ok, i dont' want to date someone just becuse "yolo" i want something special when the right time arrives, i just need to remind myself that.

This last months
Well, I haven't updated because of laziness and because i started an internship in a bank just because I wanted to enter with a friend, but only me gotaccepted lol, at first i didn't believe myself, I mean i need to do an internship until 2 years, im still at the half of my major, but i accepted the opportunity to help me decide the specialization field i want to study, but since I started each day i start questioning myself if i was the right choise for the internt of the team, because lately I feel that i'm being to clumsy and i do a lot of mistakes, and i feel so guilty each time, and the worst part is that my boss is so comprehensive, so a lot of times he says it's ok and teaches me to do it right or how to undo the tings i did. I know it's a part of leaning and entering a formal company, yet i feel I was not prepared yet.
In other stories, my dad got a new job in another city, even tho he and my mom are divorced, knowing he's so far away has had me kinda sad and unmotivated in general, he comes to visit my sister and me like once each 2 weeks, that has helped me a lot. This and my new job had me leaving my friends a little "abandoned" because i haven't played with them, or even having full-deep conversations with them, so i've been more lonelier than before, and that had led me into having more time to think about me and what i want for the future, and all i know is that i need a real change in my life or i'll regret this life like at my 30s, and i sure DON'T want that.